In celebration of all the wonderful careerists out there who never fail to take a hot second to promote their accomplishments, it’s the
Res gestae game!
Build a list of deeds, accomplishments, victories, etc. by each contributing one and then folding over. Afterwards, scrutinize the CV and provide a guess at the person being eulogized.
Played by JA, SH, L, PP
I became a creative masseuse by putting chopsticks in the ears of my clients while screeching “Harder? Harder!!!?”
My ears have electrical outlets. The voltage and shape conforms to the Slovenian standard.
I planted a tree at the center at the center of the earth at the center… I can’t remember. Trees…. Why… What did I do? It wasn’t a tree. I have a disease.
I challenged Dracula to a game of rock-paper-scissors and then threw in a cross.
-The Medical Education of Dr. Van Helsing
I tamed the screaming eyelash with a song of passion and flowers.
I used advanced gelatin mould making to form a wormhole into other times, galaxies, dimensions.
I designated the flavour that we associate with the color red.
I gave birth to ten mini-putt goblins who can fly by pooping.
-Deeds of the Galactic Amusement Park Designer
I made a circle with my fingers and squished the faces of my enemies while sitting in the relative safety of a coffee shop.
I was able to train 12 puppies how to dive underwater. The toilet flushed only 10 of them. Two survived.
I proposed a popular theory that overturned the big bang: the slimy lick.
I strangled everyone who’s ever stuttered, bringing sexual delight to many oppressed paraphiliacs.
-Memoirs of a Heroic Deviant
I performed the ritual of transubstantiation on the entire nation in order to get the polity to vote right last election.
I made the world’s most acidic tapioca pudding.
I became lord of the AutoZoids of planet Zearth.
I laughed in the face of a corpulent tuba player.
-Deeds of the Political Alchemist
I gave birth to a tangerine, an event which the press dubbed the “citroyen conception”.
I erased all the foul language from the world’s graffiti with my trusty foetus-cannon.
I asked for change and received a bag full of diamonds and spanish doubloons.
I can regurgitate plutonium spitballs at seagulls. When they eat them they explode chicken finger delights!
-Life of the Lucky Abortionist
I found a warm soft hole to crawl into at night while lolly-pop sucking any object I can find.
I won first place in a mirror punching contest.
I bought turkey dinners for every dog in the world.
I have the most rigid belly fat in all of Michigan.
-Hallelujah! I’m a bum
I have the flappiest foreskin amongst all the shriners.
I can drive a car with one wheel while in bed dreaming of NASCAR.
I made a romantic conquest using only a sockpuppet and my wits.
I produced every possible 10,000 character pamphlet.
-The Shrine-Keeping Shriner
I cured humanity of literacy using advanced computer hacking and social media brainwashing to convince them they were reading and writing.
I dangled my feet into the pond of emergent hilarity.
I became anxious while in a relaxation yoga class. That toad I licked made me see yogi bears on the mats.
I designed a pashmina made from living, enraged right-wing politicians.
-The Silicon Valley Identity Crisis